I know we are supposed to “savor the little years” and “live in the present” and all that jazz… but can we talk for a minute about the worst parts of parenting babies and toddlers? Don’t get me wrong. I know my children are precious and these years are fleeting and I should delight in being poured out for my kids. I believe the hard years are good years and that we should live for the legacy. But I also know that there are certain aspects of the so-called little years that are so grating and disgusting that I will look back and laugh in years to come….
But then I ask myself, why not laugh right now? Why not choose to laugh about the gross, irritating, and inconvenient parts of parenthood now instead of waiting another decade to develop a sense of humor about these issues?
1. I’ll tell you what’s not precious… showering with your toddler. I have honestly not done this very many times because it sucks. I’d rather go unshowered, wearing ten layers of anti-antiperspirant that will probably give me cancer someday. Having your kid in the shower with you seems convenient and darling.. but you know what’s better? Taking a shower at your own pace with your preferred water temperature while not having to worry if your crazy two year old is going to slip and crack her head on the tile as you try to shampoo your hair. No one actually wants to bring their toddler into the shower. You only do it because the other options of leaving said toddler to roam the house while you lock yourself in the bathroom or, conversely, never bathing again don’t seem to be viable options.
2. I spend a large portion of my day cleaning other people’s poop and pee. Diapers are fine… but then you have the incidents where said poop and pee somehow evade the diaper and end up on your own body or clothing. Sometimes this happens at convenient locales such as a family reunion brunch, so you confidently spend the next four hours with all your husband’s relatives with a mustard stain on your shorts since you have no other clothing options. Then there is also the issue of potty training.. where there is a sudden lack of poop and pee present. For as much as I would like my daughter to be toilet trained, I don’t relish running back and forth to the pink potty seat everyday just to have her NOT go to the bathroom on the toilet. Someday I may wax poetic about how the neediness of my children reminds me constantly of my utter neediness before the Lord, but today is not that day. Today I want to say that I look forward to the time when my kids can serve their own food, blow the snot out of their noses, wipe their own butts, and get themselves dressed.
3. Getting into and out of the car alone… what a gift of the pre-motherhood life that I simply did not appreciate enough! If you don’t have children yet, but would like to someday, relish every time you slip into or out of the driver’s seat of your car without buckling a car seat or checking for your keys 15 times because your greatest fear is locking your kids in the car. To make matters worse, I happen to live in a climate that is always 100 bajillion degrees, so I break a sweat just getting my kids in and out of the car. They sweat while driving in their big, black, heat-attracting car seats. They cry when I put them in said blistering car seats because the buckles and fabric burn them. They cry when we drive because their car seats are crammed too close together in my car that was designed for an 18 year old boy. After I had Zianne, I thought going anywhere alone in the car was a luxury. Then I had Talitha and now I think going anywhere with just one kid is the easiest thing on earth. Before I know it I’ll probably be driving all my kids around in a 16 passenger van and the days it’s only halfway full will be a walk in the park.
4. Speaking of vans… I want one…. desperately… and you probably do too. Minivans are not cool. We only act like they are cool so we can forgive ourselves for wanting a car shaped like a Dust Buster.
5. Breastfeeding.. gross. Don’t get me wrong… I am in the pro-breastfeeding camp. I nursed Zianne for a full year and I hope to do so with all my children, God-willing. But breastfeeding, while sweet and nurturing, is pretty much disgusting. I don’t want to bring back any haunted memories from your prenatal breastfeeding class but you might recall that a nursing baby pulls the nipple (hard) to the back of its throat to drink milk. And don’t get me started on the “let down” reflex and the way the nerves in your breast tingle and sting every single time you sit down to feed {every 2.5 hours and holding steady over here}. And then you have other issues, like when your baby gets a bad latch or gets too much milk and pulls off the nipple only to have milk spraying his face and all over your clothes. After a few days, you start to notice a subtle but distinct smell every time you hold your baby… the aroma of breast milk curdling in his or her neck rolls. Nothing that a quick bath won’t take care of.. but you need to shower too, so you attempt it with a tiny baby sitting in a newborn tub at your feet. See #1 for more information.
So there you have it… just a few of the many reasons parenting little ones is the grossest {but best} job in the world!
