Dear Zianne, Your teeth are too small. Over the past few months your baby teeth have started to look out of place in your big girl body. You get taller and taller and taller. You started wearing size 7/8 clothes before we even celebrated your fifth birthday. Your hair gets longer and longer. Those vibrant blond strands, slightly curly, fall almost to your waist. Your vocabulary gets bigger and bigger. I hear you uttering words like “apparently,” “tremendous,” and “spectacular" as you play with your toys. You are a big girl by all definitions. You go to school five days a week. You stopped napping almost a year ago, and it’s taken me nearly that long to get through the personal trauma of surrendering that fixed, quiet time each afternoon. You get yourself dressed each day, and you seem to have a decent sense of fashion, which I hope you get from me. When I see you standing in front of the mirror each morning, gently brushing your own hair after years of fighting me about tangles, I catch a glimpse of teenage you. If I stare too long at your reflection, the image blurs into a 15 year-old getting ready for her first high school dance. Then you smile your big, beautiful grin, and I almost laugh when I see the minuscule white teeth that dot your gum line. You are gorgeous, but your teeth remind me of a Picasso portrait — some abstract conglomeration of a young girl with a baby’s mouth. They say the little years are fleeting. I know this to be true. We have celebrated five birthdays. We have captured all the important milestones on camera — first steps, first words, first day at school. We have faced challenges — a febrile seizure, potty training, finding the right childcare. Time is flying by… I look at your tiny teeth and remember when the first one popped through. You were four months old and it ruined your sleep for a week. I tried all the remedies… Tylenol, natural teething gel, non-natural teething gel, my first encounter with essential oils. Did the lavender help you sleep at last or was it just the natural ending that you would finally sleep again after that little white tooth finally appeared? You had a whole mouthful of teeth by ten months of age. “An early bloomer,” the pediatrician said. And then when you were two, you fell at the appliance store and chipped one of those front teeth. About a year later, around your third birthday, you chipped your other front tooth. We aren’t even sure how that one happened, which must be symbolic of how I’ve evolved as a mother. Nearly all parents are vigilant at first — carefully watching and recording the feedings, the diapers, the falls, the new words, but by the time the baby is three she can chip her tooth and you might not even know it. Instead of rushing to the dentist, you find yourself quietly thankful that the second chipped tooth makes the first one less apparent. The symmetry of chipped teeth seems quite practical. They will fall out soon enough anyway… And now that time has come. I need your teeth to fall out now. It’s not that they are chipped. I don’t even notice that any more. It’s that they are too small. I am done with Picasso and want to move to Renoir - where young girls sit and play the piano with smiling adult teeth. They say babies don’t keep. The say #stopgrowingup. They say the days are long but the years are short. But I say, it’s time. Those baby teeth don’t belong in your mouth anymore because you are not baby. As bittersweet as it might be, the season of your babyhood has passed us by. Your baby teeth are a lingering remnant of a time that is no more. I can't wait to see your gap-toothed smile as we venture into this next season of your childhood. Love you forever, Mama ... Read more
I See You, School Mom
I see you, school mom. I see you hiding down there at the end of a long row of princess and ninja backpacks, frantically brushing your daughter’s hair before the playground whistle blows and the day begins. I laugh to myself because I just did the same thing outside my minivan a few minutes ago. I’ve learned the secret hack of keeping an extra brush in the console. Although we’ve learned how to be on time to school, we haven’t learned to finish our morning grooming routine before we rush out of the house. I have been known to arrive at work with a bright pink clip snapped to the front of my blouse — a remnant of the mad morning dash. And speaking of work, I see you, mama, hustling across the lawn in your blazer. You hurry by with a drop of sweat forming on your brow — conquering your son’s 8:00 am drop off before you conquer a day at your company. And I see you, too, mother in yoga pants. Perhaps this new school schedule allows you to start exercising again for the first time in weeks, months, years. I am celebrating your newfound freedom with you. I see you over there, mama, wiping away your child’s tear-filled eyes, as she faces that classroom door with a look of trepidation. You stoop to comfort her, while you silently yearn for the day she will run into the schoolyard without fear. As I glance at you sympathetically, I am jolted by the sound of my own child crying. I turn to see her flat on her face, a misstep as she sprinted to the playground. A big hug and a kiss on both knees seems to be the remedy. All the moms trek back to the parking lot together, wondering if tomorrow’s drop-off will be the first without tears. I see you, mama, pushing your stroller across the wet lawn — a drowsy toddler and a sleeping baby tucked inside. School drop-off is a full family affair and just seeing you gives me solace. I had three babies in three and a half years, and sometimes that feels isolating. In a world of two-kid families, I smile gratefully at the sight of other moms who have also defied the national average of children per household. I feel a sense of camaraderie as we walk past each other, exchanging a knowing smile and a gentle “hello.” I see you, mom and dad, walking together hand in hand as your five-year-old skips ahead. I am genuinely happy for whatever flexible situation you have that allows you to tag-team this drop-off gig. I see you, single mama. I can only imagine how hard it must be to do this every day on your own with no one for back-up, even on the days you are sick or dealing with car troubles. I see you, grandma, doing drop-off for a second generation as you help your kids raise their own kids. You are the kind of mom I hope to be in 30 years. I see you principal, administrative assistant, and teachers. So many of you have already raised your own children, yet you show up each day to serve these little ones with such joy and patience. I see you mamas at pick-up too. Some of you still wearing your workout attire; some of you arriving straight from the office. Some of you chat in small groups; others stand alone. The one thing we all have in common is the way each child’s face lights up as they spot us waiting on the playground. Little boys lock eyes with their mom and sprint with glee. Little girls glimpse their mom and start jumping up and down in anticipation. Apparently, we are all in the running for mom-of-the-year, judging by the excitement expressed by our children at 2:00 pm. School pick-up reminds me that I am doing a good job after all, and clearly, you are doing a good job too. When I see other moms on the weekend, it sometimes looks like this motherhood gig is shiny — and maybe even easy. The kids run around at a soccer game or jump in the bounce house at a birthday party, and everyone is excited and relaxed and in a good mood. And the 10:00 am start time for church on Sunday allows the mamas to saunter in wearing make-up and pretty dresses, and we can pretend for a day that every morning is so peaceful and that we always look so fresh. But I have never felt the shared humanity of motherhood more than I have at 8 o’clock on a Tuesday morning. I see your muscles flex as you push a giant stroller across the muddy baseball field. I hear the click of your heels as you hustle your child along the sidewalk. I see the way some moms whisper words of encouragement into their child’s ear while other mothers watch their confident child sprint to the swings without so much as a goodbye. As we walk back to our cars, I look around and smile. Yoga pants or blazer, one child or three, minivan or SUV, we are all moms. Some days we are frantically brushing tangled hair before the bell rings and other days we walk in ten minutes early with the library book that’s due tucked neatly in the backpack. I’ve been there, and you’ve been here, and that’s why eight o’clock on a school day in my new favorite hour. I see you, school mom. You show me that road of motherhood is wide and filled with friendly faces. And that eager child that lights up when he spots you in the afternoon pick-up line… he sees you too, and judging by the grin on his face, you are his favorite sight all day. ... Read more
Dear Talitha (Age Three)
Dear Talitha, I am obsessed with you because you are so different than me. Reserved. You barely talk at school. I've always been outgoing. Sporty. You can already do half a cartwheel and can twist and hang from the monkey bars at the park. I didn't master cartwheels until 3rd grade and never even managed a back walkover. Good at singing. You have the sweetest little voice. I fear I'm going to thwart your natural ear for music when I sing your bedtime song each night. So agreeable. You happily take Zianne's cast-offs and second-choices without a single complaint. I become indignant when I see something that's not fair. I delight in our differences because they feel like a good mystery unfolding page by page. I snuggle you in bed each night, praising God for my sometimes shy, always generous, very sporty girl. I hope I get many years of figuring out who you are and delighting in what I discover! And I'm thankful we do share a love for chocolate... Love, Mama ... Read more
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