Apparently, Blog Every Day in May means I share my thoughts on God every single day…
And I’m okay with that. In fact, I really like it.
Today I am supposed to talk about my greatest fear, but I honestly cannot think of anything that I am seriously afraid of. I have my normal, quirky fears… spiders, bees, and most bugs, eye and neck injuries, getting my blood drawn {but I’m getting really good at it thanks to pregnancy}, and probably my weirdest fear…. the feel of polyester… but only the wispy semi-transparent kind that about 75% of today’s trendy clothing for women is made out of. Ick! It makes me cringe.
I guess I should admit that I have a tiny bit of anxiety over pregnancy and caring for a newborn – you know… those fleeting thoughts about stillbirth, birth defects and SIDS…. or even the pain of breastfeeding. But, honestly, they are really fleeting thoughts. Mostly, I trust the Lord and thank Him for an amazing pregnancy thus far.
But I used to be afraid of something. I used to be afraid of death… even after I became a Christian and believed I was going to heaven. My brain knew, “You believe in Jesus. You will live with Him in heaven forever. Heaven is better than earth, so you have nothing to fear.” But my heart didn’t really, really believe it. Death seemed scary and unknown and eternity with God seemed uncertain.
But about five years ago something happened that removed my fear of death forever. And that something was the GOSPEL. Up until age 25, I always considered myself a Christian, and, in fact, I think I was. I had faith in Christ. I believed only He could save me from my sin. And I tried, though often failed, to obey God.
That’s what my life looked like on paper at least, but my heart was a big mess of trampling on God’s grace while not really understanding His endless love for me or the true beauty of His Son’s sacrifice on my behalf. The result was constantly working to earn God’s favor {which is impossible, by the way}, sweeping my ugliest sins under the rug, and feeling so much confusion over life and death and God’s love.
But then I was freed from all of it. The futile striving to earn God’s love, the need to hide my sin, and the fear of death. It was all gone. Because on one beautiful July day {actually it was cloudy and rainy and gross, but it was the most beautiful day of my life for sure}, Christ made his love so abundantly clear to me. The truth of the Gospel penetrated me so deeply that my mind and my heart could understand in unison who God is and how much He loves me in Christ. Although the moment itself was instantaneous, it actually occurred at the end of one of the hardest years of my life – a year spent in loneliness and confusion and humility while I wrestled with God and cried a lot and spent time in His Word before dawn every day, not having any idea what He was trying to teach me.
But in July, the lesson was finally learned. Christ loves me. Unconditionally. Always. And my whole life is a response to that love. I don’t obey because I have to; I obey because I love Christ {because He loved me first}. I don’t share my faith because I have to; I share because I know how good Jesus is and I want everybody to know Him like I do. My sins, while horrendous {horrendous enough for someone to have to die on my behalf}, are gone. They are taken away and I am washed clean. I can draw near to a holy God every single day without punishing myself or groveling beforehand. He loves me. I am His daughter.
And because of this I am no longer afraid to die. Not at all. Sometimes I even imagine getting in a car accident or having an aneurysm, and I don’t even flinch. Not one bit. Don’t get me wrong… I don’t want either of those things to happen. I would like to live a long life on earth for God’s glory, but if my time is cut short, I know it’s God’s perfect will for me. And heaven awaits whether I die tomorrow or when I’m 90. And that’s when the most beautiful part of my life will begin.
And this is what I want for everyone – for my family, for my friends, for my blog readers…
Faith in Christ. Certainty in God’s goodness. Trust in His plan. Assurance of His promises. No fear in death.
Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those
who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery.
-Hebrews 2:14-15-
i think my favorite thing about your blog is how deeply you write about faith. there are plenty of christian bloggers in the world, but not all of them are fully deep all the time. (without just being strictly theological). very much appreciate that about you and praise Christ for the tons of people He's speaking to through you 🙂
I had a very similar experience and realization of the Gospel as what you described here. Thank you for sharing! I also share some of your fleeting fears–your neck injury one reminded me of a really weird one I have but didn't think to write in my post…paper cuts to the eye! I'm seriously nervous when paper is anywhere near my face. It's crazy. And I also HATE the feel of different fabrics. I have some yoga pants that I literally cringe whenever I pull them up and my thumbs rub against the inside of them. Idk why. Just the way the fabric feels gives me the willies!
I love your blog! Thank you for being so open and honest.
I used to be afraid of getting blood drawn too, but two kids later, and in my third pregnancy now, I am used to it! And I could not agree more with polyester…it makes me cringe. I love your writing and how your faith comes through. I really enjoyed reading this!
This is funny- I was going to write about death on this topic for the Blog A Day in May. But my parents came in and I never published the post. I'm still not afraid to die, but it does take on a different meaning now as a mom. This is so good- you are so awesome! Love and miss ya! P.S. Breastfeeding was not painful at all and it might not be for you so don't be nervous about it!