It’s crazy to think I’ve been on this PhD endeavor for almost three years now. And I am seriously counting down the weeks until this semester is over… my lack of blogging lately is one sign that this school term is killing me. Or at least it’s wearing me out and taking all my time. However, I am also learning more than I’ve probably learned in the past year altogether, and I’m hoping all this hard work now will make my dissertation much, much easier to write. Nonetheless, I am tired and slightly overwhelmed and reminding myself that I only have 10 weeks until this semester is over.
Not only do I feel a bit worn down by the academic aspect of what I do, but I’ve also felt a bit discouraged lately by the whole spiritual aspect of graduate school as well. There are times at school, when I listen to godless rhetorics and read about feminist methodologies, where I just feel lost. What do you say or do when so many people so firmly believe that which is not true? What do you say when no one around you sees the world as you do? They see political problems and policies that will fix all wrongs. I see sin and a Savior who will fix all wrongs in the kingdom come. They see empowerment as the answer. I see surrendering to the loving and good God of the Universe as our only hope. They see striving for change and building knowledge as the most noble endeavors. I see my faith in Christ and my love for Him and others as the only real pursuits worth my time.
And yet…
I am called to be in grad school. Without a doubt, I know I am supposed to be in academia. The university often feels like a dark and oppressive institution where very few people believe in Christ, and yet it impacts generation after generation of students who go out and shape and influence our world, for better or worse. So what do I do when I am sure of my calling, yet I flounder for the words to share my faith or speak out against the lies I hear at school every day? And if I do speak out, how do I do so with equal parts of truth and grace?
And this is where I Corinthians 1 has been ministering to my heart this week. God knows. He has always known that He would send His children into dark places where knowledge is privileged over love. Where the wise of the world would try to shame or silence those with faith. He knows. And He is with me…
God will give me the words when I need to speak truth and He will tell me when to be silent as well. He will protect my mind and heart from believing lies. He will give me opportunities to love unbelievers with the love of Christ. And in the end, God’s wisdom will reign supreme and His love and justice will blot out the lies that circulate through my school and throughout the whole world. I rest and I labor in that truth and hope.
This is such a great post! I struggle (sort of) with the same thing. I teach in a really low income school and I struggle with wanting to make a more eternal impact alllll the time. I just keep trusting that God is working and He is sovereign. I love how everywhere we are is a mission field. From public elementary schools to public universities and just everywhere. He can overcome all the barriers we see to reach His people. And that's so amazing and comforting!
I think as Christians we are called to be in the world yet we know it's not our true home. And I remind myself as I go to work, travel and live. It's discouraging and can be hard, but I think it's so beautiful to be in a place where there are people who don't believe we what we believe. As Paul was called to minister to the Greeks, rather than people he was comfortable with (the Jews) we are called to places of darkness, places where things are so vastly out of our comfort zone. But God is with us and He is using us in mighty ways, even if we don't see it.
Continue to just love on the people around you. That in itself is so much of God's calling.
I am so glad I happened upon this post. This speaks to me in more ways than one.
I'm in the process of getting my masters in teaching ESL, and I struggle daily with the choice between curriculum standards and trusting in Jesus that I'm teaching these little people academically and socially.
On the flipside, I face much pressure from both the world and Christian. My husband and I are working towards starting a family, but since I'm only 24, I'm supposed to "establish my career first, babies next." Yet at the same time, the Christian world is telling me that if I'm going to have children, I must become a SAHM. The same way you feel about academia being your calling I feel about teaching–it's more than just a job to me.
Anyway, I don't have any advice for you. But I'm glad to know someone is in the semi-same boat as me.
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