You know the friend. The one who RSVPs to your daughter’s birthday and then backs out the day of the party because they “just got back from a trip yesterday and are feeling tired.”
Or the couple who misses every other church community group because “he is swamped at work” or “her sister is visiting from out-of-town.”
I am talking about your flaky friend. Or should I say friends? If you’re like me, you have more than one. These are friends you love, but you don’t always expect them to show up when they say they will. They seem to have no problem canceling on your dinner party and forgoing your child’s party. And it always seems to be for the silliest reason… feeling tired or overwhelmed or accidentally double-booking with some random work acquaintance they need to meet up with.
Maybe I’m just particularly sensitive to having friends cancel on me, perhaps because I’m such a highly relational person. Since we’ve moved so much, I’ve often counted on a handful of friends in a new town to help celebrate our child’s birthday or to hang out on the minor holidays such as Halloween or the 4th of July, and I always feel disappointed if I don’t feel a sense of community on these special days.
And then there is flakiness within the church, which bothers me even more. I hope I’m not being legalistic, but I think regular church attendance on Sunday is vital for every believer. Further, the commitments you make within your church community should be honored. Weekly community group on Tuesday nights? You should be there. Moms group every other Friday morning? Isn’t that written into your schedule?
A few years back, we showed up to our first discipleship group at our new church. I was probably 30 weeks pregnant at the time, and we knocked on the door of an unknown apartment with two young daughters in tow. Our leader, Connor, opened the door and ushered us into his living room where his wife sat alone on a chair. “Sorry,” he said sheepishly. “I don’t think anyone else is coming tonight.” While we were actually grateful to get an hour to have a great conversation with our new hosts, that small group was always notorious for its fluctuating attendance. One week, 20 people would cram into the living room; the next week we would cancel because no one could make it.
I guess I’m old-fashioned, but when I commit to a group at church, I show up every week. That time frame is blocked out on my calendar and I would probably only miss for a severe illness or a trip out of town. We’ve had a few small groups where five or six families came faithfully every single week. We’ve had others where last-minute cancellations were the norm.
The problem of flakiness may depend a bit on geographic location and your age demographic. I think some regions of the U.S. may be more prone to it than others, but overall, the flaky trend is worsening overall. I’m sure there are a million reasons — digital communication causing people to forget the value of in-person community, Covid caution rewiring people to cancel at the drop of the hat, and the list goes on.
I can’t diagnose why some people are more prone to flakiness than others, but I can say that the label of “flaky Christian” should be an oxymoron.
Christians are called to a higher standard than backing out of commitments due to headaches or work stress.
James 5:12 says: “But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth by any other oath, but let your ‘yes’ be yes, and your ‘no’ be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation.”
The point of this verse is that Christians should not take oaths or swear on their mother’s grave that they will be faithful to a promise. Throughout Scripture, God has specific discipline for people who break oaths, so it’s generally better to avoid making them in the first place. But I think we often miss the more subtle implication of this verse…
We should honor our commitments. We should show up when we say we will. When we say, “Yes, I’ll be at your party” or “I’m joining the Thursday morning Bible study,” we will be present at those events, except in cases of sickness or emergency.
The people around us should trust that our yes actually means yes.
This reminder might not apply to you. Perhaps you are the type of person that shows up. If you put it on your calendar, it’s basically written in stone. If I asked, your friends would describe you as “present,” “reliable,” or “faithful.” Well done.
But perhaps this is a gentle conviction that you’ve had a few too many headaches and “feeling tireds” lately. You’ve backed out of commitments you’ve made to others and people may be starting to lose trust in you. You’ve been a poor witness of the type of life God has called us to in the Bible — to be people who honor our words and show up regularly to meet with other believers. It’s actually pretty easy to repent. Say yes, then show up.
Of course, there are seasons where life is hard — there may be debilitating pain, crippling anxiety, a chronically sick child, or some other legitimate reason you have to say no. Perhaps you know the next few months will be challenging and you opt-out of Bible study for one semester. Maybe your husband is a CPA so you limit yourself to one social event per weekend during tax season to allow time to connect as a family. Maybe you have a foster child, so you ask friends to be a little more flexible with you. While I think NOs should be limited, sometimes they are necessary. Occasionally, you might need to decline an invite as an act of obedience.
But when you can, say yes. Even if it’s hard to get out of the house or show up on time or have the initial conversation, you may be surprised that you leave feeling full. Full of encouragement, full of joy, or with an abundance of help that you didn’t know you needed — someone who offers to drop off a meal or a friend who can come over and fix your broken garage door next weekend.
It turns out that God’s way of life is usually full of blessing. You don’t want to be “too tired” to receive it.
