Dear Zianne,
Last week we took you on a trip to California for a wedding. I was slightly reluctant to take you because it was my birthday weekend and I wanted it to be a restful and fun time with friends. You are the easiest, happiest baby, but you still need to eat and have your diaper changed and you like your schedule to revolve around frequent, quiet naps, so traveling with you can be a bit tricky. Since you were almost a year old, I thought this might be the perfect weekend to leave you at home for the first time…
But your dad had other ideas. He wanted you to go on this trip so badly. He envisioned dancing with you at the wedding and splashing with you in the ocean. So I agreed that you could come on one condition… that he took care of you the whole time. I told him I would feed you morning and night and other than that he would be totally in charge of your schedule. I was skeptical that he could pull it off, but you know what? He did! He gave you baths, fed you “brekkie,” and used the bed of his truck to change your diaper on the go. He read you books, took you swimming in the ocean, and boogied with you on the dance floor.
By the end of the weekend, the most interesting thing happened. You began reaching for him instead of me. For the whole past year, I’ve been your comforter. I’ve been your nurturer. If you were upset, you wanted me. If you were tired, I could get you to fall asleep. If you were hungry, I fed you. One the greatest joys and hardest trials of the first year of motherhood is being the ONE the baby needs at all times of day and night.
But now that year is over, and I don’t get to be your one and only anymore. Now dad can soothe you. Now you asked to be passed around the room into the arms of loving grandparents, aunts, and friends. You don’t need me like you used to.
It’s easy to think that you are mine. A year ago you came from my womb and you were laid on my chest. You already knew the sound of my voice. Although it was your first day out in the world, you and I had already known each other for nine sweet months. And since that day, I continued to pretend that you were mine. I fed you in the stillness of the night and played with you all day long. You gave me your first smiles and perched on my hip and held your arms out to me when you cried. You were my baby.
But the truth is that you were never mine. You never belonged to me. You have always been God’s child. As I watch you grow, in my heart, I will continue to give you away… to your dad, to your friends, to your college, to your husband. And each departure will be clothed in sweet humility as I remember, once again, that you were never mine. You belong to the Lord. Each time you embark on a new journey that takes you a bit further away from me, I will joyfully thank the Lord for lending you to me for a time. You are a gift, my child. My cup overflows.
Love always,
Mama
Ohhhh, pass the tissue box! Jen, this is beautiful and so sweet. Thank you for sharing your gift of words and that beautiful daughter of yours, she is absolutely precious. And getting so big! 🙂
This! This is beautiful! Such a wise mama you are 🙂
this is so beautiful.. and i love those cheeks of hers!